There are days like today…days like this weekend, when the words flow out of me incessantly. Like evening summer storms, my words are sometimes dark and full of gust, the thundering roar of my heart and soul poured out onto my screen. In these moments, like a flash of lightning, I write because I am in pain. I write because I am angry or scared, hurt or sad. I write because I have things to say; because I want to right wrongs or take a stand, though the heart wounded or the ego indignant rarely cast the best light.
These are the words I cannot write. Words which reflect stories I cannot tell. Stories which reveal too much of another, or betray what I know I must keep in confidence, whether for my sake or for the sake of another. Sometimes I hold my words back because of fear; because though I try to live fearlessly every day, there are very real consequences for our actions, including the spoken or written word. Sometimes I hold my words back out of respect…not just for others, but for myself, too.
When I was a little girl, my grandmother once told me I had a gift. The gift of communication. The gift of words. She told me that I could use them for good or ill, to harm or heal, to uplift or tear down. Above all, she gently reminded me, I should always choose my words wisely.
Though I am known for speaking my mind, I have never forgotten those words. Etched deeply into my heart, I am ever mindful of the power of the word, my own scars revealing words once spoken that can never be taken back. And so tonight, after hours of writing instead of hiking or swimming on a sunny Sunday afternoon, I have archived my posts, and written this one instead. For now, it will have to do. For now, it is the humble acknowledgement that sometimes, not every thought needs to be shared; not every observation commented on; not every situation judged. Instead, I shall sit in quiet reflection. I shall quiet my mind. I shall focus on the beauty of this thunderous summer storm, the sun now peaking through the rain-drenched clouds, and the dreams which lay just ahead.