There are days like today…days like this weekend, when the words flow out of me incessantly. Like evening summer storms, my words are sometimes dark and full of gust, the thundering roar of my heart and soul poured out onto my screen. In these moments, like a flash of lightning, I write because I am in pain. I write because I am angry or scared, hurt or sad. I write because I have things to say; because I want to right wrongs or take a stand, though the heart wounded or the ego indignant rarely cast the best light.
These are the words I cannot write. Words which reflect stories I cannot tell. Stories which reveal too much of another, or betray what I know I must keep in confidence, whether for my sake or for the sake of another. Sometimes I hold my words back because of fear; because though I try to live fearlessly every day, there are very real consequences for our actions, including the spoken or written word. Sometimes I hold my words back out of respect…not just for others, but for myself, too.
When I was a little girl, my grandmother once told me I had a gift. The gift of communication. The gift of words. She told me that I could use them for good or ill, to harm or heal, to uplift or tear down. Above all, she gently reminded me, I should always choose my words wisely.
Though I am known for speaking my mind, I have never forgotten those words. Etched deeply into my heart, I am ever mindful of the power of the word, my own scars revealing words once spoken that can never be taken back. And so tonight, after hours of writing instead of hiking or swimming on a sunny Sunday afternoon, I have archived my posts, and written this one instead. For now, it will have to do. For now, it is the humble acknowledgement that sometimes, not every thought needs to be shared; not every observation commented on; not every situation judged. Instead, I shall sit in quiet reflection. I shall quiet my mind. I shall focus on the beauty of this thunderous summer storm, the sun now peaking through the rain-drenched clouds, and the dreams which lay just ahead.
6 thoughts on “The Words I Cannot Write”
Beautifully written. I completely relate. Some things don’t need to be said/written even when they are the things that fuel us to do so. Like I always say, every word you speak is an action you take upon the soul.
Thank you , Emelia, for taking the time to stop by this blog and leave a comment. I love what you wrote – “every word you speak is an action you take upon the soul.” Simply beautiful and an important reminder to guard our words and thoughts carefully.
What you wrote is so important to remember- sharing is vital- but also you don’t want to burden others with your emotional stress. I think you’re right, our emotions sometimes motivate our writing but I think readers are looking for a sense of catharsis, or a way to relate to you, and if you’re in your own emotional world it’s isolating. I appreciate this post, and your frankness, and your relatability.
Thanks, Lillian. There are definitely times when silence is the better part of valor, but I’ve also discovered that if I give a thought or series of thoughts enough time, I am often able to reframe them in such a way that I can get my point across, without overstepping my own personal or others’ boundaries.
At the same time….. ((love emelia’s “every word you speak is an action you take upon the soul.”)) At the same time it is so important to vent, get it all out…. So hopefully you are privately journaling it all… and even more hopefully you have a close friend or two who can hold you in regard when you need to just let it all out…. _/|\_ keep writing Sharon….
Josepf – There are times when I journal privately, to untangle thoughts and feelings that are too complex to convey to another or too intense/private to share. There are other times when I am able to share openly, increasingly so, without fear of repercussion. Still, my blog is in an open forum, and I am forever mindful of the fact that the stories of our lives are often intricately tied to and woven together with others’. In this blog, I write more to share the teachings and lessons of my journey, than to reveal and revel in all of the details. In that way, heart_path becomes less about me, than it is about the universal struggles, triumphs and lessons we all encounter along life’s way… -Sharon